3 things you should never say to a Mother

        

There are a couple of things random people in the street, at baby groups, in restaurants or even outside our front door say to me week in, week out that are really getting annoying.

1. You've got your hands full

This seems to be a reaction to the small age gap between my boys - I currently have a 23 month old and a 3 month old. This to me implies either that my boys are in some way not behaving as expected (and when this is the case I certainly don't need it highlighting when I'm trying to deal with it) or that I am in some way unaware that parenting a young toddler and a baby simultaneously might, on occasion, be challenging.  Let me assure you that I have in fact noticed this.  Sometimes I do, quite literally, have my hands full but most of the time actually it's tiring but very good fun!

2. Did you want them so close?

What a question. You're basically asking if we know how to use contraception or if R2 was the result of a failure of said

contraception. To be clear, we do and he wasn't but I shouldn't have to discuss either of these points with strangers in the  street/supermarket/baby group.

This is also dangerous ground - you don't know if a couple struggled to conceive or had a specific reason for needing their children to be close. It's also absolutely nobody's business but the couple's.

3. Are you going to try again for a girl?

This is just beyond me. Firstly, genders are not a set you have to complete. I have two beautiful, healthy boys - if we choose to have a 3rd child I have absolutely no preference about the gender of that child. Secondly, it implies I should be dissatisfied with my two boys in some way.  This is a continuation of something I found when I was pregnant the second time and knew that I was expecting another boy.  I was frequently asked if I was disappointed that R2 was male and people seemed quite surprised by my response - "No, I am not disappointed that I am having a healthy baby". 

The other problem with this question is that the size of our family is between me and my husband, it is not for people in cafes or supermarkets to question our plans. I only had R2 3 months ago, I have only just got used to having two children - the idea of whether or not in a year or two we might add to that is just beyond me at the moment so I couldn't even answer if I wanted to.

I am a pretty open person and happily discuss these issues with my close friends but I would suggest that those people who have never met me or my family before yet find it reasonable to ask about the most intimate areas of my life might be better off thinking of something positive or supportive to say about my two perfect boys. 

7 reasons to vaccinate your kids

I am sick of seeing (and hearing about) anti-vaxxers and their frankly bizarre and dangerous agenda. Having taken R2 for his 8 week jabs today I was musing on just how essential this is.  Was it nice holding him as he had 3 injections (2 in his right leg and 1 in the left)? No, of course not. Would it be worse if he caught any one of the diseases he was vaccinated against? Absolutely. 

As far as I can see this is a no-brainer but just in case I can think of not 1 but 7 percent reasons to vaccinate your kids.

1. It could save their life. Literally.  Whooping cough, diptheria, measles, meningitis - all these (and some others that we vaccinate against) killed large numbers of children in the days before vaccination and sadly continue to kill unvaccinated children across the globe today.  If you need to see just how horrendous Whooping Cough is, Google the video of the Australian baby boy shortly he died from it aged just four weeks.

2.  Vaccines are safe and effective. Let's reiterate - the MMR vaccine does not cause autism (and even if it did, how can you possibly argue that death is a better risk?).  Nor do the trace amounts of elements such as Mercury have any effect either immediate or long term. The long term effect of vaccination is immunity to some horrible illnesses!

3. You can help save the lives of vulnerable children (and adults). Some kids genuinely can't have vaccines due to weakened immune systems. Some have damaged immune systems such as those undergoing chemotherapy. These people rely on herd immunity which is achieved when roughly 90-95% of the community are vaccinated - without this, these vulnerable people are exposed to these awful diseases which are even more dangerous for them.

4. You could prevent your child from developing a life altering disability. Many of the diseases we vaccinate against have life altering side effects such as blindness, brain damage and muscle wasting.

5. We can rid the world of these diseases for good. We no longer need a smallpox vaccine because of the vaccination program which eradicated it globally in the late 70s. If we all vaccinate our children, perhaps they won't need to vaccinate their children (or maybe more realistically their grandchildren) against measles, rubella or polio and these diseases won't ever be able to kill or maim another person.

6. We may be unable to treat these diseases soon.  Many bacteria are developing antibiotic resistance which makes treating some of these diseases much more difficult. At some point, frighteningly soon, we may not be able

to treat them at all. Those who haven't been vaccinated are much more likely to become seriously ill or die from these diseases when we reach this point.

7. You can save your children's lives. OK so I know this is the same as 1 but seriously do you need any other reason? 

 

And then there were four...

So, R2 arrived almost 4 weeks ago, fashionably late just like his older brother and following a slightly more challenging birth (everyone told be the second would be easier...total rubbish in my case!).  When I told people I was pregnant again, those with two (or more!) kids were split into two clearly defined camps: the "two is more than two" group and the "zero to one is harder than one to two" group.  The former spent a lot of time telling me that having two kids under two is more like starting your own nursery, alone, with no training than being a parent and the latter spent a lot of time reassuring me that actually adding an extra child doesn't double (or worse!) the work load! Almost 4 weeks in, I'm currently a member of the second group.  I found first time parenthood excruciatingly difficult and this time has been easier - I'm more confident and when R2 is being newborn draining, I have my cheery, busy, endlessly engaging Bumble to focus on. Bumble is absolutely besotted with R2, even if he does sometimes find it frustrating that my need to feed R2 interferes with his need for me to play kitchens/build a train track/pick him up right NOW! I am scared about going solo next week with my OH goes back to work after nearly a month of hols & paternity leave - by this time next week I might have changed camps, but I hope not! 

Bumble is going to be a big brother...

So, having spent the best part of a year on the quest for our Bumble, R2 (bump number 2) was very quick to come by, instant in fact! I have spent the first 37 weeks of this pregnancy telling everyone how easy it has been compared to the first one - hubris right? So finished for mat leave this last week and ended up being admitted for a transverse lie yesterday at exactly 37 weeks. Plan is to try and turn this baby on Monday, if it works, I can go home, if not I have to stay until a) he turns himself or b) I have a c-section at 39 weeks. To say that I miss Bumble (now a thriving 18 month old), and Bumble's Dad of course, is a massive understatement. Being in hospital might be worse than prison; I can't leave, I can't sleep because of the screaming newborns/labouring women/fussy midwives and I theoretically have a choice over whether or not to be here... I say theoretically because it's a totally cr*p choice: stay here for potentially upwards of 2 weeks when the risk of something happening is about 1% (and probably lose my mind!) or go home and if the 1% thing happens, the chance of R2 having a life changing injury or even dying is all too real, living as we do 20 mins from the nearest hospital.  Still can't reach a decision about what to do - I know that probably makes me a horrible person but a 1% risk is very low, but even a tiny chance with life is surely too big... So here I am, a very lapsed Anglican, praying to whatever deity may or may not be up there, that this baby decides that his head should actually be in my pelvis, not under my ribs... Keep everything crossed.

UPDATE: R2 dis his 90' shift after 2 days in hospital so I was allowed home to "await the onset of labour"... As with Bumble, this didn't happen and I ended up being induced at term + 13(at 1am!!!) after 22hrs of induction and another 13hrs in labour, with the assistance of forceps, I had a healthy, 10lb 1oz baby boy exactly 2 weeks late! 

To wean or not to wean

Well, Bumble is 4 months old and Bumble's Dad and I are looking at weaning.  This seems to be yet another topic where the NHS, NCT etc are absolutely militant about babies needing to be 6 months before they start on solid foods.  This is discussed under the heading of "it's harmful to your baby not to wait until 6 months".  Having a background in stats, and a natural desire to be an "evidence based parent" (and seeing scant evidence in any NHS publication) I decided to have a look at the research that is out there.  (If you are interested I'd recommend looking at the Cochrane library) It seems that the amount of high quality research into this topic is limited.  The key conclusion of the decent research is that weaning before 12 weeks is linked to a higher risk of diabetes, obesity and related health problems in later life.  However, from four months there is no associated increase in risk and it seems from some small studies that waiting until 6 months could itself be detrimental.  

The NHS publications reference WHO guidelines which do recommend waiting until "the middle of a baby's first year" (interpretation of that could be interesting in itself) but any awareness that the WHO guidelines have to give the safest option for all babies (some of whom are growing up in unsanitary conditions in the third world where access to clean water etc is very limited) is sorely lacking.  The WHO also recommend breastfeeding for 2 years - again, having looked at the research, the major factor behind this recommendation seems to be that breast milk is the safest drink in some areas of the world.  

As the evidence based parenting guide "Bumpology" says - the current NHS advice is to wait until 6 months but there is no evidence to suggest that weaning between 4 and 6 months is harmful to your baby.  So, now we are beyond 4 months if Bumble's dad and I decide to offer him (suitable) solids at least I feel confident that we won't be setting him up for long term health issues based on current research!

One anecdotal aside - I am yet to meet a single parent who did wait until 6 months to start weaning...

The first four months

So, Bumble is 16 weeks old - 16 of the longest & fastest weeks of my life.  I can't believe that we've got this far already.  I guess what I want to do is reflect on the best bits, the worst bits, the things I wish I worried about less and those I should have worried about more and look forward to the next 16 weeks!

The best bits - in no specific order - the first smile; the first laugh; seeing my husband being the amazing father I knew he would be; the endless wonder of a baby experiencing the world; so many firsts (swim, walk in the park, wedding, night away etc etc etc) and growing in confidence in my "mummy skills".

The worst bits - the sleep deprivation; the physical recovery; the endless fear that something will happen to him; his first illness; jabs and the breastfeeding failure.

I do wish I'd worried less about my ability to keep Bumble happy and listened to my husband when he told me just getting through each day is enough at the beginning. 

I wish I'd realised earlier that I am enough for Bumble and that Bumble's dad will fill in any gaps - parenting is most definitely a team sport! 

I wish I'd been able to worry less about things beyond my control and possibly worried more about making sure that I got as much rest/food/help as I needed.  

I still wish I could feel less guilty about leaving when I go out for a run or shopping or with friends but I guess that's something that I'll either get used to or will get less as Bumble ages.  

But, it has been an amazing journey and I can't wait to experience the highs (and lows) of the next 16 weeks.  As hard as it is to believe, in 16 weeks my maternity leave will almost be over and we'll be facing a whole new set of challenges but in the meantime we've got weaning, sitting up, rolling over and probably even crawling to look forward to, not to mention many, many more smiles! 

Don't tell anyone, but...

I have a baby who sleeps.  For whatever reason, Bumble sleeps through.  He did his first 5hr stretch (this is the medical definition of sleeping through- crazy huh?) at 6 weeks, by 9 weeks he was doing 10pm ish to 6am ish and for the last couple he's been doing 8pm ish until 6am ish.  He is not a quiet sleeper and is still in our room (although that will change come the weekend as he's outgrown his Moses Basket) so I'm still woken every couple of hours but I don't have to get out of bed/feed him/change him so don't "properly" wake up.  Now, all this is fantastic (I continually thank whatever it is that brought about this miracle) but it does make me somewhat of a pariah in new mum circles.  In fact, I usually just stay very quiet during the inevitable "how's ... sleeping?" conversation! And, do you know what? I don't blame them.  If I was still getting up 2 and 3 times in the night at 16+ weeks, I wouldn't want to know about the baby who gives his parents 10+ hours consistently at 13 weeks! 

I'm also realistic, I know it won't last - at least in the sense that when Bumble starts teething/is poorly/just decides not to sleep - I will be right there with everyone else at 3am, wishing for a good night's sleep; but, for the time being, I'm just going to enjoy not feeling totally knackered all the time!